I\'m Summer, a mouthy, sarcastic bitch. I\'m passionate about natural birth, long term breastfeeding, and living naturally. I curse too much, love tattoos, and will some day be crushed to death by my book collection. I homeschool, dream of gardening, and swing to the left. 
Attachment Parenting, Feminism, and Raising Sons
Arwyn of Raising My Boychick has a great post up on teaching sons not to be rapists. I want to “yes! yes! yes!” the entire post.
Dearest has been known to give me the raised eyebrow when he hears me tell the boys “No means no.” He thinks I’m jumping the gun here, after all they’re just little kids. Yet despite how sweet and perfect and adorable they are now, someday (far too soon) they’ll be adults. So a few hundred times a day when one boy is trying to assert his authority over the other I have to pass out reminders that when someone tells you no you stop and walk away, and if you are asking and he is not answering to take that as a no. No means no and the absence of yes means no. These are important themes in dealing with the kids.
One thing she said summed up one reason I choose attachment parenting.
it also starts with teaching him that his own feelings matter, that his own noes are respected, that those who are bigger and stronger do not get what they want through force and committing violence upon those who are smaller and weaker. Remember, the patriarchy creates rapists by raping them; it creates soldiers who can look at a person and see only a soulless enemy by first dehumanizing them; it creates bullies by bullying them when they are younger. The most revolutionary thing when raising a boy, then, is to protect and respect his humanity; not place his right to personal agency on a pedestal, or place him at the center of the universe, as the patriarchy does, but to ground him in soul-full humanity, help him grow up centered in his own being, capable of saying “namaste” to others because the divine is still in him to honor the divine in others.
I’ve heard some women say that there is a contradiction between being a feminist and practicing attachment parenting. At least the checklist version of AP. And absolutely some women take it on in a martyr sort of way, bemoaning how many years they breastfed and co-slept and cloth diapered as some sort of tortured proof that they love their kids. You can almost see the stereotypical guilt-mongering mother from TV, “look how much I’ve done for you!”
But many choose it because we see it as respecting our child’s humanity. Treating my child in the same manner I would expect to be treated by others. Letting them know that they deserve to be treated like civilized human beings, and showing them how I expect them to treat others. I could easily yell at, spank, and send Evan to the corner for an infraction. But treating him with violence and shame only increases the odds that he will mirror those things as an adult.
Children become what we teach them to be.
I’ve read some moms say that this is “hyper-parenting” and that we need to step back, that there is no way how we parent has as much importance on what our children will be as we think it does. And then this whole thing starts getting into the new “bad-mom/good-mom” crap, something I’m not at all interested in jumping into (except maybe to point you to this post on the subject). I’m not saying that I’m a perfect mom or that all my choices are the right ones, or even that what I’m doing is the sole answer to raising a child who will always be aware of and respectful of other people’s humanity. Hell, on any given day around my house you can probably catch me making a few dozen mistakes and bad choices.
But I think it still holds true: children become what we teach them to be. I want my sons to become men that respect other people’s space, to respect their needs, to respect their humanity. And so, I try to teach that to them now. In my own way.
Wow…wow wow. Much to think on…makes perfect sense yet…never thought of it. Great post Summer. I’m going to be munching on this all day I think…
Wonderful post Summer!
Every parent of boys should read this whether or not they practice attachment parenting.
In fact all parents should but from a different point of view. I have 2 girls that also need to learn from the beginning that no means no. Respect should have no boundaries.
Sheryl\´s last blog post..What Happened to Little April Rose?
Have been ranting about the same sort of thing being the mom of a boy and a girl…and really noticing how badly some parents raise their boys.
http://www.canadamomsblog.com/2009/05/boys-will-be-boys-draft.html
So true. They need to know their feelings are respected and we need to teach them to express their feelings in healthy ways.
Hyperparenting? At infant stage?
Hyperparenting happens when parents get massively involved in the lives of school age children. The problem there is that the child doesn’t learn to deal, nor to take responsibility for his own mistakes.
Hard to see how that applies to a baby.
The Mother\´s last blog post..Media Madness
I agree with The Mother that there is no such thing as hyperparenting when it comes to babies and toddlers. They NEED oodles of affection and attention. That is how they learn and thrive.
I’ve been teaching Jameson “no means no” too and until now it didn’t eevn occur to me to tie it in with rape. But now I am glad it does!
Jill\´s last blog post..Thank You, Maggie Ann