Boys, Bullying and Sexuality
photo credit: Steven Fernandez
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover and Jaheem Herrera, two innocent 11 year old boys who were bullied so much that they both choose suicide. Imagine, being only 11 years old and already at the point where there doesn’t seem to be any solution left except death.
And what were the taunts of choice? Why being gay of course. Unlike trickle down economics, trickle down hate works beautifully. We create a culture that hates and fears homosexuals and of course our kids pick up on that. Then in their own way mirror it in the lunch room, at the park, and walking down the street. Their mirror it out to other young, helpless children and through their own filter of fear.
Words are not “just words” bullying is not something kids need to learn to deal with, and hatred is still one of the biggest pollutants we face today. You can see when when you talk at the dinner table about how unnatural it is for two men to get married, and a week later your son beats up another for “being a fag” because his hair is an inch too long or his shirt isn’t quite masculine enough.
And far too often that boy decides enough is enough and does something about it. Whether that means taking his own life or showing up at school with an armed weapon, the blood is on your hands.
Last night I was reading more of Raising Cain and came across a section on bullying that I thought was worth sharing. It’s an interesting look at the culture of bullying and sexuality among boys.
Vulnerabilities: How Masculinity and Sexuality Drive Defensive Behavior
Beginning in early adolescence, boys feel more vulnerable about their size, strength, performance, and developing sexuality. Naturally, then, those characteristics in others are the targets of their most frequent and cruelest taunts.
Sexuality dominates adolescent boys’ humor and conversation, and penises in particular are a source of extraordinary fascination as well as physical and emotional tension. A boy’s recognition that he is developing sexually, through wet dreams and his discovery of the self-pleasuring of masturbation, only adds to his confusion surrounding his physical changes. An erection can present itself at any moment, and a boy worries about the potential for sudden and stunning embarrassment. Depending on the setting and the company, a maverick sexual response can be interpreted as a sign of homosexuality. And eleven-, twelve-, and thirteen-year-old boys fear homosexuality, literally, like the plague. They don’t understand where it comes from, which makes it all the more frightening, but they do know it’s not a “cool” thing to be. Homosexuals are male, but they aren’t manly.
The amount of teasing that goes on among early adolescent boys about possible homosexual leanings is staggering. “Gay” or “fag” is a constant taunt, whether a boy’s “crime” is his hairstyle, his accent, his clothes, a good grade, or a bad pitch. Repetition does nothing to lessen its power to hurt. The taunt is searing because a boy’s fear of homosexuality runs that deep.
Although it is not uncommon for boys to engage in masturbation as a social activity, you’ll probably never hear any boy or man acknowledge it. For most boys who do it – these “circle jerks” – masturbating in the company of a number of friends and other kinds of casual sex play are not necessarily a sign of homosexuality. If a boy feels embarrassment or shame about masturbating among friends, it is typically when just two or three boys are involved, raising fears that this may mean he is, or will become, gay.
So a boy struggles not only with the immediate physical and emotional discomfort of a normal sexual response but also with what those responses and feelings mean to others and to himself. Boys fear homosexuality because it defies the traditional norms of masculinity and invites terrifying pack retaliation.
It’s so sad that our culture creates and furthers these hateful, fearful behaviors…
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I fear that in today’s world, it’s just going to get worse until we come together and do something to educate and stop the hate before it begins.
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I’m so sad to read about these poor boys. I’m also so sad that people continue teaching this awful, fear-based, bigoted behavior to children. We have to be forced to take notice and teach our own children to be kind, have common sense, and to be secure within themselves so the world is not so full of these broken children who bully and then become broken adults. The cycle just keeps on going.
The mom of one of these kids was on Ellen yesterday.
The line, “11 years old and death seems to be the only solution.” is so scary to think about with todays youth getting more and more out of control.
Parents need to really get more involved with their kids, and working to much is not an excuse either.
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