Bribing: It Doesn’t Work


This week’s Works For me Wednesday is an unusual themed one. We’re sharing what doesn’t work for us. I’ll admit I was stumped to think of something worth sharing. most of what doesn’t work is pretty obvious and not worth sharing, other things that I could really write about would stir up hurt feelings and people getting angry. Trust me, it’s happened plenty times before when I say a choice is an absolute no-go for me, there’s always some group stomping in getting angry about how I’m some how insulting their choice by not doing the same.

So instead I wanted to share something that works, but doesn’t. Something that I’m guilty of doing, but trying not to. The thing: bribing kids.

Punished By RewardsSeveral moms in some of the parenting forums I used to hang out in were totally against bribes, rewards, treats, and the such. it always sparked me as odd, and coming from the queen of weird that’s a mouthful. So I was told to read Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. And it clicked, I understood what was going on. Kohn says we’ve become so programed to expect a reward that we’ve begun to require it. It starts with stickers, then candy, then money, then a car. As it all adds up real motivation disappears until you have a person who won’t do anything without some kind of little something for it. But it does more than strip the internal motivation from kids, it also strips parents of the ability to parent their children rather than manipulate them. From the book:

Attend to your experience and you will notice not only that rewards work (in this very circumscribed sense), but also that they are marvelously easy to use. In the middle of a lecture on behaviorism a few years ago in Idaho, one teacher in the audience blurted out, ‘But stickers are so easy!’ This is absolutely true. If she finds herself irritated that children in her class are talking, it takes courage and thought to consider whether it is really reasonable to expect them to sit quietly for so long - or to ask herself whether the problem might be her own discomfort with the noise. It takes effort and patience to explain respectfully to six-year olds the reason for her request. It takes talent and time to help them develop the skill of self-control and the commitment to behave responsibly. But it takes no courage, no thought, no effort, no patience, no talent, and no time to announce, ‘Keep quiet and here’s what you’ll get…’

But the problem goes beyond just short cutting past teaching straight to “do this, get that” manipulation. Creating an environment where all things are either rewarded or punished helps perpetuation the blame the victim mentality so often seen. The examples of this are everywhere. A woman gets raped and before anyone casts an eye on her attacker they are already condemning her for wearing the wrong thing, being in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, etc… The system of rewards and punishments is so deeply engraved that many people cannot see that an innocent person could be punished and a bad person could be rewarded. Again, Kohn says:

It is an integral part of the American myth that anyone who sets his mind to it can succeed, that diligence eventually pays off. It seems to follow, then, that people who do not succeed can be held responsible for their failure. Failure, after all, is prima facie evidence of not having tried hard enough. This doctrine has special appeal for those who are doing well, first because it allows them to think their blessings are deserved, and second because it spares them from having to feel too guilty about (or take any responsibility for) those who have much less.

The belief that rewards will be distributed fairly, even if it takes until the next lifetime to settle accounts, is one component of what is sometimes referred to as the ‘just world’ view. Social psychologists have found that those who hold this position are indeed likely to assume that apparently innocent victims must have done something to deserve their fate; to face the fact that suffering is visited upon innocent people is, of course, to recognize that the world is not particularly just at all. It does not take much imagination to see where this sort of thinking can lead: one group of children, after watching a film about Nazis, were reported to have said, ‘But the Jews must have been guilty or they wouldn’t have been punished like that.’

Bribes, rewards, and manipulations are so common, or normal that they are almost invisible. I grew up with them, as did most other people. We use them as a pretty effective short term goal getter almost daily. “Sit quietly and you can have a candy bar.” “Wait five minutes and you can watch another cartoon” “Answer these questions the way i want and you get a shiny A+.”

But the long term effects are not so positive, and certainly not effective. So it’s something I’m trying to force myself not to do. Yes it’s tough, it’s damn tough. Try explaining to a four year old why he needs to just come one right now when you know promising a treat if he hurries will work a lot faster. the problem is in the end he learns to hurry up for the treat and not because it’s rude to keep people waiting when we promised to be there.

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Published by: Summer on May 6th, 2008 | Filed under kids, parenting



8 Responses to “Bribing: It Doesn’t Work”

  1. Mickey of Kalyespeak Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 12:55 am

    Bribing doesn’t really work, it just breeds easy cop outs.

  2. Mom Is Teaching » Blog Archive » A Few Good Books Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    [...] I did share one at my personal blog that I thought some of you might be interested. It is about bribing kids to get a desired result and how the short term benefits are outweighed by the long term problems, such as diminished [...]

  3. Katiebod (Roses are Red, Violets are Violet) Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    This was a great topic and is something I really struggle with. I have a 6-year old that is all about “what’s in it for me…” He gets stickers at school, for doing chores, etc… and I really have a problem internally with rewarding him for doing things we should be able to EXPECT of him. He is a member of this household and should contribute by making his bed, feeding the dog, etc. By promising him rewards for behaving in school, I feel like we may be setting him up to expect rewards as an adult– and, we all know, that the real world isn’t quite as giving.

    Great post!

    Katiebod (Roses are Red, Violets are Violet)’s last blog post..4 years ago today…

  4. Sara Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 1:34 am

    And I JUST read an article in a parenting mag that said it was absolutly ok to bribe, and to not feel bad ect ect. I knew they were wrong..in my heart of hearts I knew it. I know that now that I live in the “real world” and need to movitvate myself because its the right thing to do in order to move on with my life, I find it very hard. There’s no one there to hand me an “A” or an “alloence” (though I do get paid for my work..) ect. If my house gets cleaned, no one cares but me. And that needs to be enough. Being raised in a bribed house, sometimes its really not enough to get me motivated and as an adult, I wish my own self motivation had been fostered. Thank you for this insight. Very cool article.

  5. abigail Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    I respectfully disagree, though I haven’t read the book here.

    I think that it’s okay to offer rewards to kids for good behavior, achievement, etc.

    A lot of parents offer “love” and pride at their kids’ achievements, in order to encourage such positive behavior.

    I think it’s better to offer tangible rewards. Look, kids, Mom and Dad are going to love you with all of our hearts no matter what. Love isn’t contingent on doing well. But, if you want a little bit bigger allowance, well then practice your violin for an extra 30 minutes, or read another book, etc.

    And remember, the real world does offer bribes, or at least, measurable incentives. Work an extra shift, get paid more, etc.

    Thanks for this great topic!

    With respect,
    Abby

    todayisfun.com

  6. PlanningQueen Says:
    May 9th, 2008 at 8:38 am

    I completely agree that bribes don’t work. My son’s Montessori teacher would give the “What’s next example?” Once you start using it kids start expecting more and more.

    @ Abigail - Great managers do not use extrinsic motivators in the work place, instead the work on developing their staff so that they are intrinsically motivated. Extrinsic motivators only ever have short term effects.

    PlanningQueen’s last blog post..Free E-book - Planning With Kids Top 100 Tips, Volume 1

  7. Summer Says:
    May 10th, 2008 at 10:39 am
    Abagail I disagree with your example. Working an extra shift and being paid for it is not a bribe, it is being paid for the work that you do. If that were a bribe then every paycheck would be a bribe for showing up at your job. I hope that my children work not to get money, but because they love what they do. Hence focusing on internal motivation rather than bribes. To me, focusing on the tangible rewards can easily lead to greed.

    The violin example doesn’t work for me. For 1 if they really wanted to learn to play I want them to be self motivated to do so, not motivated by bribes and rewards. If they don’t want to I won’t try to force or manipulate them into it, we’d just find something else that they wanted to learn. For allowance I don’t think it should be payment for anything. The money earned is the family’s money, and as part of the family they are entitled to a certain percentage of just by birth. Sure they are expected to do chores, because as with the money they are a part of the family and that is a requirement in this household. I don’t get extra cash for doing the dishes, and yet I do them anyway. I expect the same from my kids.

  8. The Attached Mother » Blog Archive » Bribes Says:
    May 12th, 2008 at 1:51 am

    [...] and baby wearing why would we not also strive to build that foundation in other areas. I have a discussion going on right now on whether bribing works or not. Feel free to pop over and share your thoughts in the comments section, just do so politely [...]

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