Wired For Noise

Trey is almost 2 years old, in three weeks and a day. It’s amazing how fast time flies. He’s so big, and getting bigger every day. The boy who would not talk is suddenly jumping up the ladder of vocabulary. Yesterday he said “Thank you”, and a couple days ago he caught me eating a snack and said “Share please”. Unfortunately he still calls everyone dadda, including me and his brother. But hopefully that will pass soon.

He’s so different from his brother, I was thinking about this the other day. Luckily I blog since I have the memory of a turnip, I can look back at Evan at this age. At 2 Evan was starting potty training, he was talking up a storm, and was full of personality. OK so Trey is pretty full of personality himself, but no where near ready for potty training and barely has 1/8 of the vocabulary that his brother did.

He’s also still breastfeeding, near constantly if I let him. I have to limit him to how much he nurses to get him to eat any solid foods. Evan was already weaned and had no problem eating anything I gave him. Though Trey is definitely more physically advanced than Evan was. Trey climbs fences, jumps from the top step of the porch, and goes down the big slide at the park all by himself.

I still can’t believe it’s been almost two years since a squeaky, red, 9 lb baby was handed to me.  Wow.

Tags: kids, life, toddlers

Yesterday I noticed Evan was spending a long time in the bathroom, so I decided to investigate. I was almost fairly certain I would find him playing with the bubble bath or trying to stick a diaper down the toilet. Instead I found him at the sink washing his hands. He used to hate washing his hands, it was torture to get them a little wet and soapy after using the bathroom. So to see him suddenly past that phobia and actually doing it on his own was amazing. But still not as cool as our conversation.

Me: Hey, how did you get so big?

Evan: I ate my vegetables and did my exercise.

Me: Exercise huh?

Evan: Yeah, like running fast and riding my bike.

Me: That sounds fun.

Evan: Yeah, it is. You need to eat your vegetables and exercise too mommy. If you don’t you’ll stay little and I’ll have to carry you in my pocket when I get great big.

So there you have it, tel you kids they need to eat their veggies and exercise so they can get so big they can carry you in their pockets. I, for one, and looking forward to the ride.

I was sent a copy of the That Baby DVD and That Baby CD to review for MotherTalk. The DVD and CD feature older songs resung in a acoustic , sweeter way for kids.

This DVD and CD set is one that the boys and I love. As soon as I got them in the mail I tossed in the DVD to distract the boys wheile I went to make lunch. It did more than distract them, they were hypnotized. Immediately both sat right down and stared in awe over the kids playing, singing, and dancing. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, depending on your views on TV watching, but I was able to cook lunch, wash dishes, and do a load of laundry without a peep out of either.

The CD is a hit too, and it’s actually one I don’t mind listening to when the kids aren’t around. With songs like Happiness Runs by Joni Mitchell, Brass in Pocket by Chrissie Hynde, and Three Little Birds by Bob Marley That Baby is not your typical children’s CD. It also stands out because this isn’t some slick, over-hyped production. Put together by a mom and dad team who put the thing together, with the songs being sung by a family friend who just happens to rock.

Almost all of the songs are permanently stuck in my head, and I don’t mind. Inch By Inch gets put on repeat daily, much to the displeasure of Dearest, and Songbird has become part of our bedtime ritual. And of course the feminist mom in me delights in When We Grow Up just a little. But since this is made for kids, not me, I should let them sell it. So if this doesn’t motivate you to get a copy, nothing else will.

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This week’s Works For me Wednesday is an unusual themed one. We’re sharing what doesn’t work for us. I’ll admit I was stumped to think of something worth sharing. most of what doesn’t work is pretty obvious and not worth sharing, other things that I could really write about would stir up hurt feelings and people getting angry. Trust me, it’s happened plenty times before when I say a choice is an absolute no-go for me, there’s always some group stomping in getting angry about how I’m some how insulting their choice by not doing the same.

So instead I wanted to share something that works, but doesn’t. Something that I’m guilty of doing, but trying not to. The thing: bribing kids.

Several moms in some of the parenting forums I used to hang out in were totally against bribes, rewards, treats, and the such. it always sparked me as odd, and coming from the queen of weird that’s a mouthful. So I was told to read Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. And it clicked, I understood what was going on. Kohn says we’ve become so programed to expect a reward that we’ve begun to require it. It starts with stickers, then candy, then money, then a car. As it all adds up real motivation disappears until you have a person who won’t do anything without some kind of little something for it. But it does more than strip the internal motivation from kids, it also strips parents of the ability to parent their children rather than manipulate them. From the book:

Attend to your experience and you will notice not only that rewards work (in this very circumscribed sense), but also that they are marvelously easy to use. In the middle of a lecture on behaviorism a few years ago in Idaho, one teacher in the audience blurted out, ‘But stickers are so easy!’ This is absolutely true. If she finds herself irritated that children in her class are talking, it takes courage and thought to consider whether it is really reasonable to expect them to sit quietly for so long - or to ask herself whether the problem might be her own discomfort with the noise. It takes effort and patience to explain respectfully to six-year olds the reason for her request. It takes talent and time to help them develop the skill of self-control and the commitment to behave responsibly. But it takes no courage, no thought, no effort, no patience, no talent, and no time to announce, ‘Keep quiet and here’s what you’ll get…’

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This morning was warm, cloudy, and had a cool breeze. Evan hopped on his bike, I loaded Trey into a stroller, and we took off across town to the park with the big train. Or “chooo-chooo” as Trey calls them. He’s a bit obsessed right now. As we made it across town I felt my heart leap into my throat at every intersection, every time Evan got more than a few feet in front of me, every time I saw a car coming and Evan didn’t immediately dive to the side. Yes, I’m one of those kinds of moms.

So this afternoon I watched a short, under 10 minute video that Kim linked to. 5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kids Do. Sheesh!

While I’m jumping every 2 minutes at the thought of Evan being run over I’m forgetting what being a kid means. When I was little I refused to learn to ride my bike. Nope, no way, not going to do it. Then one morning I woke up at the crack of dawn while all the adults were still sound asleep, I went out and jumped on my bike and was gone. For two hours I rode all over town, by myself, without anyone even knowing I was gone. Though i got in trouble for leaving so early without telling anyone once I had shown that I could ride I was free to travel as I wished, I just had to tell them I was taking off first.

Some of the things he talks about kids needing to do in the video really sits with me. Playing with fire for one. I think I would skin myself alive in terror at the idea of Evan playing with fire, yet at his age we had an open faced fireplace that we used daily to heat the front of the house. I spent hours a few inches in front of that thing stirring the wood, tossing in bits of this and that to see what would happen, and playing in the ashes. The idea of letting Evan have a screwdriver makes me tremble. But as his age my uncle had several old TV sets that I frequently took apart and put back together again, often in hopes of building a robot that would do my homework for me.

It reminded me of a book I read last year, Last Child In The Woods. Some of what Louv talked about was kids not being allowed to build treehouses, go fishing, and just enjoy nature. They are stuck in the house with video games to keep them company for fear that they might go outside and get hurt. Broken bones, scratches, dents, dings. All the things kids are supposed to be doing.

Sometimes I forget what it means to be a kid.

Tags: parenting, childhood, fun, danger

It’s late and I apologize, but today is/was National Spank out Day.

SpankOut Day USA was initiated in 1998 to give widespread attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children) sponsors SpankOut Day USA on April 30th of each year. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on this day, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools.

I’m against spanking as a form of punishment. Despite the cute names people may like to use taking your hand to another human being is hitting. Hitting. Children should not be hit.

I’ve written before my thoughts that spanking does not equal discipline. Some people have the mistaken idea that a parent who does not spank simple lets their kids run wild without correcting or guiding them. This black and white, one way or the other type thought often prevents them from seeing the benefits of choosing not to hit my children, and the dangers of them choosing to hit theirs. I believe in disciplining children, not punishing.

My own reasons for not spanking are based in my reality. Spanking may teach my child to listen to me and obey me immediately, however that is not the kind of child I want and not the kind of child I hope to nurture. Rather than a person who obeys authority figures without question and respects his elders on nothing more than they are his elders, I hope to raise an adult who asks questions like why and learns to respect others because they have earned the respect by their actions. I also want my children to understand cause and effect. In my day to day life there are many things that I choose to do or not to do, and none of those decisions are based on fear of being hit. If I speed in my car, steal from the store, or break other people’s property nothing will result in being hit by those in charge. There is simply no basis in my daily life to explain doing to my child what I would not allow to happen to me. Children learn through example I cannot teach my children that their actions will be physically punished and then expect them not to do the same to others. Unfortunately my experiences have taught me that the child who is spanked at home is the one more likely to push or hit another child at the park. Even the lightest tap can be humiliating and embarrassing for the child, not something that any person of any age should experience.

As Doc says so bluntly:

There’s no recognized research that says that spanking is good for a child, and tons that say it isn’t. It’s a lazy, stupid way to parent.

For more information visit Project No Spank, The Center For Effective Discipline, and Gentle Christian Mothers. Also be sure to read what others have said about this issue at the Thinking Parent’s Wiki. Not sure what to do when spanking is taken out of the equasion? Enjoy this video of alternatives.

Tags: spanking, children, parenting, Spank Out Day

I had originally written a post about breastfeeding and set it up to post this morning. Then one quick look through the news before heading off to bed. Well you know what they say about the best laid plans.My quick look turned into frustration, then calling Dearest to rant over the phone, then finally deciding I needed to vent some stream here.

Apparently there is this new children’s book called My Beautiful Mommy coming out on Mother’s day. It’s the story of a mom who decides she’s too lumpy so she gets a tummy tuck, boob job, and tosses in a nose job for good measure. The book is written by Dr. Michael Salzhauer who becomes a musclebound superhero in the story, heroically saving mom from saggy boobs and a crooked nose.

You know what, if you want to get your body redone from head to toe, that’s great. Go for it. The book still pisses me off. Why? Because it’s a pretty, pink, shiny marketing ploy to teach little girls, ages 4 - 7, that they too can be happy if they’ll only spend thousands of dollars and weeks of pain to look like this ideal image that even celebs can’t achieve without airbrushing. Oh sure, because there just aren’t enough little girls today with image and self-esteem problems.

Then there are the body image issues raised by cosmetic surgery—especially for daughters. Berger worries that kids will think their own body parts must need “fixing” too. The surgery on a nose, for example, may “convey to the child that the child’s nose, which always seemed OK, might be perceived by Mommy or by somebody as unacceptable,” she says.

Exactly. See, I’m not the only one who gets it. This isn’t about plastic surgery, it’s about marketing an unattainable beauty ideal into little girls. Unfortunately the Dr. Michael just writes people like me off as prudes.

Salzhauer knows that not everyone will like his book. “There’s a good percentage of your readers who are dead set against plastic surgery, who see it as a sign of the decadence of Western civilization,” he says

Sure, I’ll give you that plastic surgery is one of the modern decadences we worship today. So are Hummers, fast food, and satellite TV. But that’s not the point. The point is that when the mom in the story tells her daughter that her nose will look “prettier” real little girls are going to wonder if they can have prettier noses, if they should have prettier noses, if they need prettier noses. Then that leads to 12 year old girls getting boob jobs. Oh, think I’m exaggerating? Guess again.

The daughter of glamour model and tell-all phenom Alicia Douvall wants mom to buy her a boob job. Mom intends to oblige. The kicker? Daughter Georgia is not yet thirteen.

True most of the daughters are not going to be running out for their first set of boobs right away. But the seed is being planted, and it quickly grows into the “if only” tree. Everyone woman knows this. “If only I was thinner…” “If only I had larger breasts…” “If only my nose were smaller..” Then what? You’ll be happier/get a better job/ he’ll love you more/ etc…

That it’s aimed at kids ages 4-7 doesn’t surprise me at all. After all, big companies market padded bras to little girls who aren’t even close to having breasts yet. Oh sure, it’s made to “cover up” what isn’t there by making them appear bigger. But hey, it isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last either.

If you need to cover up a six years-olds’ non-breasts in order to feel like she’s being “discreet ,” there’s something wrong with the way you look at six year-old girls.

And don’t even get me started on the regular clothes I’ve seen in stores for little girls to wear. For every cute “Oh I wish I had a daughter” outfit I see there are a dozen more “OMG who would put their baby in that?” outfits hanging on the rack. Little girls should not be dressed like they’re going out to the club, in their little padded bras, and dreaming about getting a prettier nose someday.

Maybe I am just a prude after all.

Tags: life, parenting, daughters, girls, sexism, beauty standards, plastic surgery, My Beautiful Mommy