Bribing: It Doesn’t Work
May 6th, 2008 by SummerThis week’s Works For me Wednesday is an unusual themed one. We’re sharing what doesn’t work for us. I’ll admit I was stumped to think of something worth sharing. most of what doesn’t work is pretty obvious and not worth sharing, other things that I could really write about would stir up hurt feelings and people getting angry. Trust me, it’s happened plenty times before when I say a choice is an absolute no-go for me, there’s always some group stomping in getting angry about how I’m some how insulting their choice by not doing the same.
So instead I wanted to share something that works, but doesn’t. Something that I’m guilty of doing, but trying not to. The thing: bribing kids.
Several moms in some of the parenting forums I used to hang out in were totally against bribes, rewards, treats, and the such. it always sparked me as odd, and coming from the queen of weird that’s a mouthful. So I was told to read Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. And it clicked, I understood what was going on. Kohn says we’ve become so programed to expect a reward that we’ve begun to require it. It starts with stickers, then candy, then money, then a car. As it all adds up real motivation disappears until you have a person who won’t do anything without some kind of little something for it. But it does more than strip the internal motivation from kids, it also strips parents of the ability to parent their children rather than manipulate them. From the book:
Attend to your experience and you will notice not only that rewards work (in this very circumscribed sense), but also that they are marvelously easy to use. In the middle of a lecture on behaviorism a few years ago in Idaho, one teacher in the audience blurted out, ‘But stickers are so easy!’ This is absolutely true. If she finds herself irritated that children in her class are talking, it takes courage and thought to consider whether it is really reasonable to expect them to sit quietly for so long - or to ask herself whether the problem might be her own discomfort with the noise. It takes effort and patience to explain respectfully to six-year olds the reason for her request. It takes talent and time to help them develop the skill of self-control and the commitment to behave responsibly. But it takes no courage, no thought, no effort, no patience, no talent, and no time to announce, ‘Keep quiet and here’s what you’ll get…’
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