Wired For Noise

This week’s Works For me Wednesday is an unusual themed one. We’re sharing what doesn’t work for us. I’ll admit I was stumped to think of something worth sharing. most of what doesn’t work is pretty obvious and not worth sharing, other things that I could really write about would stir up hurt feelings and people getting angry. Trust me, it’s happened plenty times before when I say a choice is an absolute no-go for me, there’s always some group stomping in getting angry about how I’m some how insulting their choice by not doing the same.

So instead I wanted to share something that works, but doesn’t. Something that I’m guilty of doing, but trying not to. The thing: bribing kids.

Several moms in some of the parenting forums I used to hang out in were totally against bribes, rewards, treats, and the such. it always sparked me as odd, and coming from the queen of weird that’s a mouthful. So I was told to read Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. And it clicked, I understood what was going on. Kohn says we’ve become so programed to expect a reward that we’ve begun to require it. It starts with stickers, then candy, then money, then a car. As it all adds up real motivation disappears until you have a person who won’t do anything without some kind of little something for it. But it does more than strip the internal motivation from kids, it also strips parents of the ability to parent their children rather than manipulate them. From the book:

Attend to your experience and you will notice not only that rewards work (in this very circumscribed sense), but also that they are marvelously easy to use. In the middle of a lecture on behaviorism a few years ago in Idaho, one teacher in the audience blurted out, ‘But stickers are so easy!’ This is absolutely true. If she finds herself irritated that children in her class are talking, it takes courage and thought to consider whether it is really reasonable to expect them to sit quietly for so long - or to ask herself whether the problem might be her own discomfort with the noise. It takes effort and patience to explain respectfully to six-year olds the reason for her request. It takes talent and time to help them develop the skill of self-control and the commitment to behave responsibly. But it takes no courage, no thought, no effort, no patience, no talent, and no time to announce, ‘Keep quiet and here’s what you’ll get…’

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This morning was warm, cloudy, and had a cool breeze. Evan hopped on his bike, I loaded Trey into a stroller, and we took off across town to the park with the big train. Or “chooo-chooo” as Trey calls them. He’s a bit obsessed right now. As we made it across town I felt my heart leap into my throat at every intersection, every time Evan got more than a few feet in front of me, every time I saw a car coming and Evan didn’t immediately dive to the side. Yes, I’m one of those kinds of moms.

So this afternoon I watched a short, under 10 minute video that Kim linked to. 5 Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kids Do. Sheesh!

While I’m jumping every 2 minutes at the thought of Evan being run over I’m forgetting what being a kid means. When I was little I refused to learn to ride my bike. Nope, no way, not going to do it. Then one morning I woke up at the crack of dawn while all the adults were still sound asleep, I went out and jumped on my bike and was gone. For two hours I rode all over town, by myself, without anyone even knowing I was gone. Though i got in trouble for leaving so early without telling anyone once I had shown that I could ride I was free to travel as I wished, I just had to tell them I was taking off first.

Some of the things he talks about kids needing to do in the video really sits with me. Playing with fire for one. I think I would skin myself alive in terror at the idea of Evan playing with fire, yet at his age we had an open faced fireplace that we used daily to heat the front of the house. I spent hours a few inches in front of that thing stirring the wood, tossing in bits of this and that to see what would happen, and playing in the ashes. The idea of letting Evan have a screwdriver makes me tremble. But as his age my uncle had several old TV sets that I frequently took apart and put back together again, often in hopes of building a robot that would do my homework for me.

It reminded me of a book I read last year, Last Child In The Woods. Some of what Louv talked about was kids not being allowed to build treehouses, go fishing, and just enjoy nature. They are stuck in the house with video games to keep them company for fear that they might go outside and get hurt. Broken bones, scratches, dents, dings. All the things kids are supposed to be doing.

Sometimes I forget what it means to be a kid.

Tags: parenting, childhood, fun, danger

It’s late and I apologize, but today is/was National Spank out Day.

SpankOut Day USA was initiated in 1998 to give widespread attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children) sponsors SpankOut Day USA on April 30th of each year. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on this day, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools.

I’m against spanking as a form of punishment. Despite the cute names people may like to use taking your hand to another human being is hitting. Hitting. Children should not be hit.

I’ve written before my thoughts that spanking does not equal discipline. Some people have the mistaken idea that a parent who does not spank simple lets their kids run wild without correcting or guiding them. This black and white, one way or the other type thought often prevents them from seeing the benefits of choosing not to hit my children, and the dangers of them choosing to hit theirs. I believe in disciplining children, not punishing.

My own reasons for not spanking are based in my reality. Spanking may teach my child to listen to me and obey me immediately, however that is not the kind of child I want and not the kind of child I hope to nurture. Rather than a person who obeys authority figures without question and respects his elders on nothing more than they are his elders, I hope to raise an adult who asks questions like why and learns to respect others because they have earned the respect by their actions. I also want my children to understand cause and effect. In my day to day life there are many things that I choose to do or not to do, and none of those decisions are based on fear of being hit. If I speed in my car, steal from the store, or break other people’s property nothing will result in being hit by those in charge. There is simply no basis in my daily life to explain doing to my child what I would not allow to happen to me. Children learn through example I cannot teach my children that their actions will be physically punished and then expect them not to do the same to others. Unfortunately my experiences have taught me that the child who is spanked at home is the one more likely to push or hit another child at the park. Even the lightest tap can be humiliating and embarrassing for the child, not something that any person of any age should experience.

As Doc says so bluntly:

There’s no recognized research that says that spanking is good for a child, and tons that say it isn’t. It’s a lazy, stupid way to parent.

For more information visit Project No Spank, The Center For Effective Discipline, and Gentle Christian Mothers. Also be sure to read what others have said about this issue at the Thinking Parent’s Wiki. Not sure what to do when spanking is taken out of the equasion? Enjoy this video of alternatives.

Tags: spanking, children, parenting, Spank Out Day

I used to wear a watch almost 24/7. I only took it off to shower or wash dishes and then it was the first thing I put back on afterwards. I was obsessive about knowing the time, checking it constantly.

Then my watch died. Or actually fell into the swimming pool and could not be salvaged. Surprisingly I didn’t buy another one right away, and then just never got around to it. I didn’t die from not knowing exactly what time it was at multiple random points in the day. If I really need to know what time it is I just check my cellphone, which also doubles as an alarm if I need to be somewhere or do something at a specific time.

Today, however, I would have needed a watch. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and we were outside playing T-Ball, riding bikes, and laying in the grass. So much fun that I didn’t realize the time until it was already 8 PM and we hadn’t had supper yet. Yikes! I whipped together a quick meal, some downtime, and a bubble bath. But I still didn’t get the boys into their bed until 10. I have a feeling this may be what summer is going to be like, late dinners and bed times because we’re having too much fun.

I guess I should go look for a watch to wear again. Just something simple and parenting proof, it has to withstand mud pies and wrestling matches. And be low cost, that’s always important to me. Unless someone wants to donate a nice Rolex watch my way. Anyone? Didn’t think so.

Tags: parenting, playing, fun

I don’t watch America’s Next Top Model, but apparently there is a model on there who is breastfeeding. Since she has to be away from her baby she is pumping and storing the milk. There was an episode where she drank her own breast milk on the show.

Obviously I don’t think breast milk is gross, but I’ve never been tempted in the least to taste it. There is definitely a social taboo there that gets in the way. I can see for other people a necessary taboo, like all great ones, created with health concerns. Drinking a strangers milk could be unsafe as certain diseases can be passed through the milk.

But what about your own milk?

I’ve been told it tastes like the milk at the bottom of your cereal bowl, the stuff that is almost syrup from all the sugar. And warm. I think that might be squicking me out some, the warmth. I can’t even drink warm cow’s milk, it has to be ice cold or it’s no deal. And yeah, that fact that it’s BREAST MILK does kind of freak me out. But why? Milk from cows comes from their, you guessed it, breasts. I obviously know the source, and I promote breastfeeding so much for babies that I am well aware of the health benefits. But pouring a drink n a Riedel glass just makes me raise an eyebrow.
Instead of squirming and looking away at the idea of her drinking her own milk I should be applauding her for breastfeeding her child. If nothing else looking that hot should go next to working out with Christina and having superpowers like Gwen. Just think of all the not-yet moms getting ideas in their heads.

*Quick plug* Amy from Crunchy Domestic Goddess is pitching to donate funds to Global Giving. Just buy something from one of her two shops and part of the money will be donated. Like, oh say, the I Make Milk: What’s Your Super Power? shirt.

Tags: breastfeeding, breast milk, breastmilk

I had originally written a post about breastfeeding and set it up to post this morning. Then one quick look through the news before heading off to bed. Well you know what they say about the best laid plans.My quick look turned into frustration, then calling Dearest to rant over the phone, then finally deciding I needed to vent some stream here.

Apparently there is this new children’s book called My Beautiful Mommy coming out on Mother’s day. It’s the story of a mom who decides she’s too lumpy so she gets a tummy tuck, boob job, and tosses in a nose job for good measure. The book is written by Dr. Michael Salzhauer who becomes a musclebound superhero in the story, heroically saving mom from saggy boobs and a crooked nose.

You know what, if you want to get your body redone from head to toe, that’s great. Go for it. The book still pisses me off. Why? Because it’s a pretty, pink, shiny marketing ploy to teach little girls, ages 4 - 7, that they too can be happy if they’ll only spend thousands of dollars and weeks of pain to look like this ideal image that even celebs can’t achieve without airbrushing. Oh sure, because there just aren’t enough little girls today with image and self-esteem problems.

Then there are the body image issues raised by cosmetic surgery—especially for daughters. Berger worries that kids will think their own body parts must need “fixing” too. The surgery on a nose, for example, may “convey to the child that the child’s nose, which always seemed OK, might be perceived by Mommy or by somebody as unacceptable,” she says.

Exactly. See, I’m not the only one who gets it. This isn’t about plastic surgery, it’s about marketing an unattainable beauty ideal into little girls. Unfortunately the Dr. Michael just writes people like me off as prudes.

Salzhauer knows that not everyone will like his book. “There’s a good percentage of your readers who are dead set against plastic surgery, who see it as a sign of the decadence of Western civilization,” he says

Sure, I’ll give you that plastic surgery is one of the modern decadences we worship today. So are Hummers, fast food, and satellite TV. But that’s not the point. The point is that when the mom in the story tells her daughter that her nose will look “prettier” real little girls are going to wonder if they can have prettier noses, if they should have prettier noses, if they need prettier noses. Then that leads to 12 year old girls getting boob jobs. Oh, think I’m exaggerating? Guess again.

The daughter of glamour model and tell-all phenom Alicia Douvall wants mom to buy her a boob job. Mom intends to oblige. The kicker? Daughter Georgia is not yet thirteen.

True most of the daughters are not going to be running out for their first set of boobs right away. But the seed is being planted, and it quickly grows into the “if only” tree. Everyone woman knows this. “If only I was thinner…” “If only I had larger breasts…” “If only my nose were smaller..” Then what? You’ll be happier/get a better job/ he’ll love you more/ etc…

That it’s aimed at kids ages 4-7 doesn’t surprise me at all. After all, big companies market padded bras to little girls who aren’t even close to having breasts yet. Oh sure, it’s made to “cover up” what isn’t there by making them appear bigger. But hey, it isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last either.

If you need to cover up a six years-olds’ non-breasts in order to feel like she’s being “discreet ,” there’s something wrong with the way you look at six year-old girls.

And don’t even get me started on the regular clothes I’ve seen in stores for little girls to wear. For every cute “Oh I wish I had a daughter” outfit I see there are a dozen more “OMG who would put their baby in that?” outfits hanging on the rack. Little girls should not be dressed like they’re going out to the club, in their little padded bras, and dreaming about getting a prettier nose someday.

Maybe I am just a prude after all.

Tags: life, parenting, daughters, girls, sexism, beauty standards, plastic surgery, My Beautiful Mommy

I don’t really have a good tip this week for Works For Me Wednesday. But I did find a great one so I’m passing that on instead.

In case you didn’t know next week is TV Turn Off week, one we’re going to try to join in. I’ve been reading a bit on others pledging to go a week without the boobtube and saw this great post at Unplug Your Kids. It’s on making a “Mommy, I’m bored…” box. One you can pull out when the kids start whining.

The box is simple. Decorate a shoe box and fill it with slips of paper. On each slip is a suggestion for something to do. Read a book, put together a puzzle, have a scavenger hunt. Whatever fun ideas that you kids can do. Then anytime they start with the “mommy, I’m bored” whining you just point them in the direction of the box.

I loved this so much that I think every parent should have one on the counter all year long. Use neon colors, set a flashing arrow above it, buy a voice activated alarm that goes off to the sound of the word “bored”. Anything to direct the kids towards the almighty box of ideas. You might find they can be happy without the TV. If you’re feeling gutsy you might cancel the cable account and put that money into savings accounts instead.

Tags: parenting, TV Turnoff Week, TV