Getting a little personal here, but I need to vent.

Once a month I get to revisit my PPD, and it’s not fun. While I’m normal (so to speak) most of the month, for a few days I morph back into the screaming/crying/I hate my life/I love you guys so much monster. It goes beyond hormones, it gets serious.

While I’ve been know to be moody, it wasn’t until after Trey was born and my cycles returned that it became hell. For the first few months it was hard to really tell a difference, mostly because I was suffering PPD every other day too. However now things are different, there is a noticeable cliff that I step off of for about 3 days each cycle. Where I’m right back in the deepest part of my depression.

I tried talking to a local doctor and was basically blown off as just being hormonal. Not just hormonal, but talked down to like a silly, hormonal girl. He nearly passed me off with a prescription for Proactiv acne cream and a note to my gym coach to let me sit out running laps. Instead I walked down half way through the appointment. What I have, self diagnosed, is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

PMDD is similar to premenstrual syndrome (PMS), but differs from it in severity. Treatment is recommended because PMDD interferes with the sufferer’s ability to function in her environment. The cardinal symptom–surfacing between ovulation and menstruation, and disappearing within a few days after the onset of the bleeding–is irritability (PMID 11571794). Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include

* feelings of sadness or despair, or possibly suicidal thoughts
* feelings of tension or anxiety
* panic attacks
* mood swings, crying
* lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
* disinterest in daily activities and relationships
* trouble thinking or focusing
* tiredness or low energy
* food cravings or binge eating
* having trouble sleeping
* feeling out of control
* increased sex drive
* increased need for emotional closeness
* physical symptoms, such as bloating, heart palpitations, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD. Symptoms occur during the week before the menstrual cycle and disappear within a few days after the onset of the bleeding.

So there’s my piece of pure honesty, take from it what you will. I hate, no I fucking hate feeling out of control and helpless once a month. Even rationally knowing that in a few days it will be over doesn’t really help when all I want to do is cry. For about 3 days each month I resist not deleting this entire blog with a “Screw it, no one reads this shit anyway”. Some days, it’s not just the blog I want to delete. And I try, really hard, not to yell and scream over every thing the kids do or don’t do. And I eat, oh do I eat. While my head pounds and I feel like just sleeping until the week is over.

And then, as suddenly as I stepped into the cliff, I wake up feeling pretty normal again. And silly, and embarrassed, and ashamed. But normal, me.

Image source – Dora Pete

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