Feminism and Motherhood

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Yep, I’m still sick. And I seem to have passed it on to my kids. That’s why it’s 10:30 in the morning and we’re all still in our jammies, watching a Scooby Doo movie, and sniffling. With the occasional nose blowing just to break things up.

I know I promised cute animal photos today if I was still sick, but I think I’ve got something better to share. Blue Milk has a list of 10 questions on being a feminist mother that I’ve always thought about answering but never have. I figure today’s as good as any other day, especially since I’m going to be sitting here a while comforting the boys.

1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother? My feminism is being in charge of my life and my choices and seeing myself as equal to my partner. I don’t know when exactly I became a feminist. I was always pretty hard headed and refused to let anyone tell me what I could or couldn’t do. I also had the benefit of having an uncle at a young age that reminded me constantly I could anything I wanted, to not let anyone tell me I couldn’t for simply being a girl. I think it was in college that I started playing with the word and the ideas behind it, but it was definitely motherhood that pushed me into the full “Yeah I’m a feminist, what you gonna do about it.” mindset.
2. What has surprised you most about motherhood? Everything? LOL How amazingly beautiful and amazingly frustrating it could be at the same time. How my kids could bring up so many issues I thought were well buried. And how many people seemed to think of me as nothing for being “just a mom.”
3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism? I’ve become more brash, more ballsy, and I’ve started caring less what other people think about me as a feminist. I think that “mother bear” instinct that motherhood brought out in me over my kids also made me feel more protective of myself, I want to stand up stronger and be who I am rather than who others think I should be. I’ve also been able to see others with more empathy, when other women or children are hurting it feels like more than just the news, it feels personal.
4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting? I wrote a guest post last year at Crunchy Domestic Goddess talking about being a feminist mother of boys. I couldn’t say how it is exactly different from a non-feminst’s parenting, because there are too many varying styles. I can say that for me it means making an effort to keep gender stereotypes out of my house, building a foundation in my sons based on equality and compassion, and not being afraid to let let my sons be themselves. When my son wants to drive his baby dolls around in the dump truck while wearing a blue shark shirt and the gorgeous red glitter shoes he found at the thrift shop I let him. There’s no girl things verses boy things.
5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother? Doesn’t every mother feel like a failure at one time or another? Mine was guns. I was absolutely determined that my sons would play with guns, or mimic violent play, or the overly-masculine image that a lot of “boy cartoons” emphasize. They do it anyway. Though, being the girl that learned how to shoot at age 6 I let them know that girls can be big, bad, gun toting rangers too.
6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why? It has at times, especially being a feminist stay at home mother. We’re definitely in the traditional family role here, where he brings home the bacon and I take care of the kids. Too often making this choice because it benefits us clashes with wanting to support women in the same situation because they have no choice. It’s hard to tell another mother “You don’t have to do this” while choosing to do it myself. There’s also the not too subtle attacks from some that i couldn’t possibly be a real feminist since I have kids and a man.
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist? I think everything involves sacrifice. Getting up in the morning means sacrificing sleep in order to get stuff done, or getting stuff done in order to sleep in. Even being a feminist can mean sacrifice, giving up people and ideas that you might have once leaned on but no longer support you.
8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner? Luckily my partner sees my basic idea behind feminism, choice, as just common sense. Allowing women to choose how their lives and bodies will go is the “duh” option to him. Often when I am feeling outraged over something I read that is dripping with sexism, he is just flabbergasted that anyone could actually think that way. It definitely makes feminist parenting easier, especially as he sees our sons grow and their own personalities come out.
9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them? I think my biggest challenge is the social/political rift I seem to be standing on. While there are certainly growing numbers of progressives in AP, I still find the most support for some of my choices (home birth, extended breastfeeding, even home schooling) among more conservative women. It can be odd to hear a woman on one side arguing that breastfeeding a toddler is beautiful yet I don’t have the right to an abortion, and another woman on the side tell me I am hurting women for choosing to home school and yet they would fight tooth and nail for me if I were raped. I am certainly seeing a lot more people straddling both sides of the line, which is wonderful, but I still see a lot of backlash for calling myself a feminist while carrying my baby in a sling.
10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers? I think in some ways, though certainly not on purpose. Feminism had to take such a huge emphasis on getting women out of the homes and into the workforce, and thank goodness they did. It lead the way to a lot of great things that women enjoy today, including a greater freedom than we once had. But in doing so the women who choose to stay home, to be mothers, to not become part of the rat race were ignored and often despised. Really, I think there wasn’t much of a choice. The only way to create such a huge revolution was to go in with both guns blazing, and unfortunately there were going to be causalities. Now though we have a chance to pick up the pieces and show support for mothers as well.

Now if you made it through all of that I supposed you deserve that cute animal picture after all. Here you go: