I\'m Summer, a mouthy, sarcastic bitch. I\'m passionate about natural birth, long term breastfeeding, and living naturally. I curse too much, love tattoos, and will some day be crushed to death by my book collection. I homeschool, dream of gardening, and swing to the left. 
Motherhood And Reality
I just read one of those honest, real posts that sticks to your ribs over at Velveteen Mind. Megan opened up about her fear and nervousness on bringing a third baby into her home. And damn, that is a hard moment. When you think you’re done and suddenly you’re welcoming in one more bundle of joy, except it isn’t exactly joy you’re feeling inside.
When Evan was one I was feeling the pangs of baby lust. I wanted a second baby more than anything else. So we looked at the calendar, talked about it, and set August as when we would start trying for #2. However, the closer that month came the less excited I felt. All the things that were making we want another baby were also making me glad to be past the baby stage. Evan was mobile and social and fun, he didn’t need me as much as he had as an infant for every thing. Looking forward to his second birthday I was less certain about jumping back into the newborn phase.
I decided that I just was not ready for a second child. And then, in a cruel twist of fate, we had a birth control failure.
Oh gods I was a wreck. I wrote Dearest a huge letter detailing all the ways I was anything but ready for a second child. It felt so unfair. Unfair to Evan to force him into big brother role when he was still such a baby. Unfair to go back into the newborn stage when I was finally looking forward having an adult life. Or at least taking a shower alone without needing bathroom safety to contain the kids. I was chaotic, running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I don’t think I really connected with him at all during the first half of the pregnancy. It was one of the main reasons I agreed to an ultrasound, in hopes that seeing the baby would help me feel more connected.
I wish I could say that just seeing the baby magically made feel all kinds of maternal instincts. It didn’t. I did feel slightly closer to the baby I was choosing to carry but there still wasn’t the joy and excitement I had with Evan. I was scared and nervous and certain that I would never be able to do it with two kids.I was sure that I would never be able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be with two children in my care.
But you know, moms aren’t supposed to talk about it. They’re not supposed to admit feelings of doubt or fear or uncertainty. They’re not supposed to admit when they are feeling anything less than like Donna Reed at all times. Even just saying this much I’m sure will bring in a rash of “OMG then why did you have kids!” comments. No one wants to raise their hand and admit that being a mother isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and another mom revealing the truth about uncertainty brings criticism.
Bonding doesn’t always happen with the pregnancy test. Or at the ultrasound, or at the first cry. Some moms take longer to feel bonded to their kids and ready to be a mom.
Megan said
I always promised myself that I would never doubt a new child coming into our lives for a single moment. I never wanted a child of mine to feel a moment of doubt from me for even the length of a heartbeat. But that’s a tall order when the mother had finally fully embraced being the mother of two and that’s it, that’s all, shop closed and gladly so.
It’s hard. It’s painfully hard. But admitting that it’s tough to be thrilled about a new pregnancy doesn’t make one a bad mom. Admitting that you didn’t bond with your child the second it was conceived doesn’t make you a bad mom. And even facing this moment and choosing not to continue the pregnancy does not make you a bad mom.
It makes you human.
So, so true.But it was my third baby that both me and my husband felt this.Mia was an accident.It has been a hard two years learning to adjust to a unplanned child (she’s now 14 months).I was ready to see my older children head to school and for me to start going to evening classes so i could think of something other than ‘mum’ things.But although it has been hardest on all of, we deeply love her and each day brings so much joy I feel awful for having all those negative feelings.Thanks for sharing!
Aly\´s last blog post..There’s three in the bed and the little one said…..
It’s interesting, the new yahoo messanger allows you to see people’s twitters and stumbles…last night I saw that you stumbled that post so I went over…checked it out and loved her writing style. Then I come here and your talking about it now! I feel so in the loop! Thanks new yahoo instant messanger!!!
hehehe
I remember your pregnancy with Trey…though I will admit I was SO wrapped up in Kaleb’s pregnancy that I really honestly don’t remember much else that was going on in the world in that time frame….sad but true.
Oh gosh, I’m so glad I’m behind on my reader…because I really needed to read this post today. I was up last night SOBBING because I just want my life back! Our last little one wasn’t planned either. We had been trying, then decided to stop trying..and BAM. There she was. I cried when I took the test…I spent the pregnancy in a state of apathy and denial. And now she’s 4 weeks old….and I just can NOT seem to bond with her. I know it will come eventually, but man, I’m drowning under the mommy guilt.