I\'m Summer, a mouthy, sarcastic bitch. I\'m passionate about natural birth, long term breastfeeding, and living naturally. I curse too much, love tattoos, and will some day be crushed to death by my book collection. I homeschool, dream of gardening, and swing to the left. 
Raising Kids Without Religion
Even though I’m not an atheist myself I’m drawn in by atheist parenting blogs. In a way I almost respect them more than those of parents actively teaching their kids their religion. There is something braver, more sure, and far more logical in letting your kids find their own answers than to hand them books and tell them all the answers are in there.
In fact, research shows that indoctrination, often the focus of religious upbringing, is, more than anything else, what impedes moral development, claimed McGowan. “At the heart of indoctrination is the distrust of reason.”
Better off are children who get from their parents “an explicit invitation to disagree,” he said — that is, children “actively engaged in the refinement of their own moral development.” – Author McGowan is honored as ‘2008 Harvard Humanist of the Year’
It’s hard for the logical part of my brain to wrap around my own faith, or anyone else’s faith for that matter. I have my reasons for my beliefs, and while they often make no sense to even myself, they are mine and mine alone. And because they are mine, I won’t be passing them on to my kids. I share what my belief is, the basics of it, but the deeper stuff is left out. It’s their’s to find, if they want to. And if they choose to walk away, well so be it.
I think this choice is probably easier for me because I’m not a Christian. There’s no fear of Hell looming over my head, no threat of an eternity of punishment, I don’t worry that my kids will be damned for all time for being wonderful people who just choose something else. I think it’s that lack of fear that makes me respect atheist parents a little more. They make choices not because they are afraid of some cosmic punishment for doing the wrong thing, but because they understand that it is the wrong thing to do. It is the difference between teaching kids not to do something because it is harmful and teaching them not to do it “because I said so, that’s why.”
It’s clear that the world through the eyes of evangelical, fundamentalist Christians is one where god is an absolute monster, toying with people for reasons that don’t make a lot of sense. He makes billions of people, swears he’ll save a handful who figure out exactly what he wants of them, and will condemn the rest to hell where they’ll be tortured for eternity. As Pearson put it, that means god is worse than Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Hitler put together, just in terms of the amount of suffering and death he inflicts. But he’s supposed to be a loving god that you’re supposed to worship with love. It doesn’t compute. Pearson realized to keep his belief in a loving god, hell had to go.
A man once told me that I knew my religion wasn’t right because I refused to share it with others, i.e. go door to door preaching. To me though desperately trying to sell your beliefs to every stranger you see seems less like confidence than accepting it to be what it is. I replied that not wanting to force my religion down someone’s throat was like having an ice cream cone. I know how good this cone is, I know I love it. But I don’t know you, I don’t know if you like chocolate or vanilla, if you like waffle cone or cake cone, or even if you’re lactose intolerant. I’m not refusing to share because I think mine is wrong, I’m choosing not to shove it in your face because I assume you’re capable of asking for a lick if you want one.
So I raise my kids mostly without ice cream religion. They are aware that it exists, but I’m not interested in forcing them into it. Or even gently pushing them. I want them to think, to find their own reasons, to figure out the moral lessons based on their hearts and not fear.
Update!
Wow, I never expected how big this post would become. Since hitting publish my tiny blog has blown up with thousands of hits, it’s a little overwhelming. I wanted to add a little update at the bottom thanking everyone for keeping the conversation civil and sane. I am truly impressed that the raving lunatic quota has not been met, that’s one of the first things I expected to happen.
I don’t normally talk much about religion here. For one it’s far too personal, almost more so than sex. Secondly is because, as I hinted at above, I’m not a Christian. I consider myself Pagan, and too often in my experiences saying that out loud only opens the door to verbal abuse and attacks from people trying to “save” me. I was raised in a mostly Southern Baptist home, and sadly most of the negative stereotypes were my experiences. I spent a few years as an atheist before a series of odd events lead me to where I am now.
Again, thanks to everyone for keeping the conversation clean and open.
Post like this you wait a second before hitting publish. Kudos to you for hitting publish!
A lot to think about Thank you!
Susan Lindgren´s last blog post..I’m Real, For Shure
I was raised largely w/out religion. I find religion really ironic. My religious friends spent much of high school and college in rebellion whereas I didn’t largely because my morals came from inside so I felt that if I “broke a rule” the person I hurt was *me* – not my parents or my God or whatever. I shake my head whenever Christians claim a moral high ground – or insinuate that atheists are horrible people. My belief is that internal morals trump external morals any day! I don’t understand why you’d need a belief in God in order to be a good person.
So yeah, my kids are being raised w/out religion too.
Nice blog! Teach your kids *how* to think, not *what* to think
Thank you, It was a very good read.
Rose´s last blog post..Babywearing Saved My Sanity
I’m so pleased that a Google Alert for one of the phrases you used brought me to this marvelous, thoughtful post. Cheers, and thanks!
Dale McGowan
Key word: indoctrination
Funny, because the reaction I had to my daughter the day she walked in and said, “Mom, what if the whole Bible and God and everything is all just made up?” was sooooooo vastly different from many other people that believe and follow the teachings of the Bible.
If there really are just two basic human emotions – love and fear – then a parent has to be extremely cautious in how they react based on fear. Many people are teaching that we need to “prepare” our children for adulthood by “grounding them in scripture” now, so their faith won’t be challenged later. That cracks me up. Like there is something you can do in life to not have ANYTHING you believe be challenged. That’s called … um … LIFE!
I am preparing my kids for adulthood by allowing them to question and doubt and disagree and learn and grow and start all over again. I could indoctrinate the crap out of them, and my brainwashing might stick. Then again, they may grow to hate any spiritual feelings … ya know, and ME!
I’m blabbing now – sorry. Good, good, good, good post. Lots to chew on. I HAVE MISSED YOUR BLOGGING!!
Christine´s last blog post..Magical Milk Pic-O-The-Week
I always love your honesty! Great post. I’ve been wanting to check out this book for a while now and am going to see if I can get it through interlibrary loan or find it cheap online. I love his blog too.
I was raised by my atheist mother and she was the most moral person I’ve ever met. I think it was Erickson who talked about the stages or morality. Doing the right thing because of fear or punishment or anticipation of a reward was much lower than doing it because you simply believed it was the right thing to do.
That’s one reason I love the UU church, since it’s in their doctrine to support each person’s search for her/his own truth and meaning. We get to think what we want and still get to sing and have pot lucks? I’m in!
Alicia´s last blog post..Crafty Goodness
Excellent post. I’m raising my boys not exactly without any religion, but without adhering them to any one specifically IYKWIM. I don’t want them to grow up like I did, terrified of being “bad” and going to “hell.”
I’ve been meaning to write a post on my own thoughts about religion, but it’s going to be hard to write. Maybe your post will give me the courage.
Jill´s last blog post..The Ocean Dream
I think it’s great that you’re not going to become the typical religious-freak mom that we see way too often in this country.
I agree with your choice to raise your kids in this open-minded manner, in fact I commend you for it!
[Why couldn't I have a mom like you?]
Thomas´s last blog post..Best of 2008 @ TomSlatin.com
What an articulate and well-reasoned post. Thank you so much for sharing it!
I agree with you that fear-based decisions are seldom good ones (with the exception of, you know, obvious stuff like fleeing from a burning building for fear of imminent physical danger), and that the majority of religions do tend to focus on fear, rather than love, as a motivator. And yeah, that so-called loving God who burns people in eternal torment? Not so much. You’re right on. But not all Christians people believe in hell, or blind obedience and indoctrination, either.
I’m one of Jehovah’s Witnesses (yes, a door-knocker :]), and although I do believe that the Bible sets forth specific standards that God expects us to live by, I don’t believe that it teaches hell AT ALL. In fact, God says that the practice of burning one’s children (because people did some crazy stuff back then, as they do now) was detestable and something that had never even occurred to him to do (Jeremiah 19:5, 32:35). What the Bible says is that when people die, the simply cease to exist. Dust returns to dust (Genesis 3:19). The dead are conscious of nothing (Ecclesiastes 9:5). There is no endless torture in the Bible. That’s something mankind came up with.
Also, the Bible says that we shouldn’t just believe things because people tell us. We should test them out and prove them for ourselves (1 John 4:1; Acts 17:11). True Christianity isn’t blind faith; it is reasoned belief.
But not everyone teaches that, and “because I say so” is frustrating to say the least. I hear what you’re saying, and I understand why you’re saying it. But I wanted to share these thoughts because not everyone who raises their kids with religion, Christian or otherwise, is teaching them not to ask questions or threatening them with everlasting punishment, honest.
I practice my religion because I truly believe it is the right path, the right thing to do. And I knock on your door because yes, I feel it is my obligation as a Christian, but also to make sure you have the OPTION to ask for some of my ice cream, not to pin you to the ground and shove it down your throat. “I have some ice cream. These are the flavors. I’d like to give you some if you’ll eat it.” If you tell me not to come back, I won’t, and I’ll tell my friends you said so, too. But know that I believe you have the right to make your own choice, even as I’m offering you information about mine, and it won’t offend me if you say, “No thanks, and please don’t call on me again.”
Thanks again for a great post. I really enjoyed it, and the comments that followed.
Kristen King´s last blog post..I Take Back Everything I Ever Said About Bridget Jones
Good good stuff. You make me smile.
What? A reasonable take on religion and kids? Followed by calm, thoughtful comments? What is the world coming to?
I grew up in an athiest family and am a nontheistic Buddhist. (The kind of Buddhist with a sitting practice, not the kind who’s mostly vegetarian and thinks the Dalai Lama is totally awesome. Ahem.)
My husband grew up in a rigid, angry fundamentalist family and I’m afraid he’s something of a rigid, angry fundamentalist athiest. I try to help him ease up a little, but mostly he’s still pretty PO’ed about how he grew up.
We each have different answers to give our boy if/when he asks. None of them is going to make his grandmother very happy, but so it goes.
Kristen, thanks for sharing your perspective, there’s lots that contradicted my suppositions there!
Sonia Simone | Remarkable Communication´s last blog post..Why This is the Best Time to Finally Break Free
I would argue that we’re raising our children much the same–to think, to respect others, to live a good life–and we’re active Mormons.
When you’re raising children with character, religion obviously doesn’t have to be the only way, but it just happens to be a good way for us. For me, my faith is a beautiful expression of a relationship with God, and it gives us great joy to share that with our children.
We focus on doing something because it’s the right thing to do, because it’s thoughtful of other people, and respectful to the earth. It sounds like you are doing the same thing, but just approaching it from a different angle. Parenting is a challenge no matter your beliefs.
It’s actually part of our religion for us to question, to reach our own conclusions, to find out for ourselves. I sincerely hope that my children go on their own journey and find out where they stand; our journey can’t be their journey.
Carina´s last blog post..The Only Thing Worse Than a Smug Married Couple…
I am not a religious person, though grew up in the UK where all were ‘considered’ Christian whether you were or not….we all were for the holidays basically.
We learned childrens biblical stories and did school services..but never felt it was forced on me.
I have HUGE hang ups about organized religion….i don’t get it really. I get it historically and see why things were focused on and so on..just don’t get how that works in the 21st Century, but that is just me!
But am happy to explain the meanings behind things like Christmas for SOME people and that yes, believe it or not, not all people celebrate Christmas and am happy to talk about ALL the ideas and beliefs in the world…as they come up.
Living in a really multicultural city makes that very easy too.
I want my kids to make their own choices….and build their own beliefs…I am just there to offer my opinions and point them in the direction of research etc.
Very interesting
) I was raised in a fundemental religion – SDA (I guess… there are so many definitions anymore that conflict). Years later, a friend of mine started talking to me about some of the things she believed the Bible said – some of which did not jive with what I had been taught. She, however, pulled out the Bible, encylopaedias, atlases, and a slew of reference material NOT published by her ‘church’ and provided a detailed, logical explanation for her beliefs – and provided documented, scripturaly backed information for the differences in thought we had.
At that time in my life, I had pretty much given up on “religion” in-general. I was young and wanted to live MY life. However, what I found in the Bible not only renewed my interest, but, by studying it with someone who used scripture AND logic that harmonized completely with history and science and didn’t use empty ‘tradition’ or ‘blind faith’ to explain away seeming inaccuracies, gave me a faith based on the BIBLE’s definition of it: ‘The ASSURED expectation’ based on the FACTS that everything else that was written had been and will be fulfilled.
There’s a LOT of crap going on in the world right now…. At such an “enlightened” time in human history, we are more incapable of the simplest successes in life – Family, Security, Peace, MEANINGFUL work. Why is that!!??? Why is there SOOOOO much suffering!? A sound answer can be found in some of the lies that organized religion has taught that is in TOTAL opposition to what the Bible teaches! THEIR selling themselves out for their prefered limelight does not invalidate the Bible, it just make it more important for people to ASK the tough questions! PRESS for logical answers! HAS God created a place to roast bad people forever? HOW does that harmonize with “justice”, “mercy”, or “love”? Any logical, thinking, reasoning person would reach the same conclusion: IT DOESN’T… :O)
I applaud ANYONE who refuses to ‘indocternate’ their children in such teachings! By all means, TEACH them to think! Teach them to reason! Teach them that a true teacher welcomes a challenge to their thinking and reasoning! BUT, instill in them, too, that there IS Truth out there in this confusing world, and there ARE satisfying answers!
I’m going to paste my thoughts from another blog that posted this article:
“Religion” is about indoctrination, sure. But many religious people are more interested in education and not indoctrination. In fact, my parents were extremely careful to not only allow my questions, but to pose them themselves. By doing so they demonstrated my faith to be reasonable, profitable and good while refining my “own moral development.”
Again: Religion in and of itself is not good. But following truth in a religion is a very, very good thing.
~Luke
@Sonia — Cool!
@Luke — Why is religion inherently bad? I think its *practice* is often abominable, but I don’t understand how religion itself is at fault there. Would love to hear your thoughts on that.
Kristen King´s last blog post..On Raising Children Without Religion
loved this post. I am a mom that has taught her children there are a ton of different religions out there, everyone has a reason for their own beliefs. With that being stated I have not instructed them to believe either way, they know I do require honesty and I teach them if they dish it out they’ll get it right back so it is always good to dish out the goodness in your heart. I’ll have to check out this book you mention though, currently I’m reading a bunch of books on positive thoughts and loving it.
On the topic of door knockers, I have made sure my kids know that they should NEVER force their beliefs, whatever they be, on anyone. Hopefully they’ll live that, but we never know.
homemom3´s last blog post..
Religion is inherently bad because it is damaging to society, contributing to higher murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article571206.ece
But of course, belief in a fairy tale is always a bad substitute for rational thought.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6370991.stm
The classic punchline in this article: A Christian youth worker told me how he thought the cult was childish. “It’s like a baby playing games,” he insisted. “Those people are holding on to a dream that will never come true,” he said.
Unlike ice cream, religion is not a matter of taste. It is a matter of true and false.
Though not everyone may like vanilla, the facts of vanilla don’t change.
Love the ice cream analogy!
I’m going to steal this for any discussions I have in the future. Thank you!
Also, thanks for not indoctrinating your children.
cas.
cas´s last blog post..Gregor Robertson in a select group of mayors elected without municipal experience
Cynicism is always easier than faith – even for the religious.
Tracee Sioux´s last blog post..Reviewer X: Girl Week: Table of Contents
@Wolter — Although ignorance, lack of respect for self, and disregard for others often run concurrently with a professed belief in a higher power, they’re not one and the same. Christendom ≠ Christianity.
Kristen King´s last blog post..I Hate Relish in Tuna Fish, but I Love My Husband
I enjoyed this post, and I think your position on child-rearing is ethical and thoughtful. You’re absolutely right, though, that you have the luxury of making reasoned decisions and keeping religion personal BECAUSE of the nature of your own beliefs. You haven’t been successfully indoctrinated into a religion that demands proselytizing.
What we all have to imagine is an ice cream cone that doesn’t just taste good to you, it saves your life forever – and as soon as you eat it, you know it did. Before you ate it, there was no way you could have known – someone had to MAKE you eat it so that you could be saved. You know it might not be to everyone’s personal taste, and that someone else’s favorite flavor of ice cream might be different, but that doesn’t matter. If you really love someone, you will save their life.
Better yet, to really convey the immediacy of the thing, what if your small child is having an allergic reaction and will die if she doesn’t receive a life-saving injection, but she’s deathly afraid of needles? She refuses to believe that without the injection she’ll die, but you’re her parent. You know better. You can save her.
That’s what religious belief is like to devout Christians (evidently, not Jehovah’s Witnesses – edifying post above).
Free Radical´s last blog post..I think I may have to retire from reading the news
Yes, my “faith”, and their “religion”. My “relationship” with a deity and their “ritual”.
This is the common refrain of the modern religious in order to distance themselves from those who are under criticism, but the truly altruistic individual is as rare in that setting as anywhere else.
You can claim whatever you want as inspiration, but the statistics show a negative trend among believers.
@Free Radical — I think I need to clarify something. I went with Summer’s ice cream analogy because I thought it was something people could relate to, something you can accept or not accept — not because I equate God with a tasty-but-optional dessert.
The reason I and more than 7 million other Witnesses are out there knocking on your door even though we know that 9 times out of 10 you’re not going to be happy to see us is that we believe we are offering life-saving information, not to mention satisfying answers to the problems everyone faces in their daily life. I KNOW the cure to cancer, AIDS, and every other ailment that exists. I KNOW the answer to death. I KNOW why we are here in the first place. I KNOW why God allows suffering. I KNOW the answer to global hunger and poverty. I KNOW the solution to war and violence and apathy. I am at your door to offer it to you.
But I am not your parent. I can’t MAKE you take the cure I’m offering you. That’s your choice, and it is yours and yours alone. That’s what I was trying to communicate in my comment above. I can offer it to you, but I can’t make you accept it. Even if you take the literature I provide, I can’t make you read it or appreciate it. And many people don’t. But I’m still out there because I believe your life depends on it. That’s what the good news, gospel, of the kingdom IS (see Matt 24:14).
So I apologize if I was unclear before, and I appreciate your pointing it out. I hope this is more clear. If not, please let me know and I will be happy to elucidate further, either here or on my own blog so as not to completely hijack Summer’s comment thread. ;]
Kristen King´s last blog post..I Hate Relish in Tuna Fish, but I Love My Husband
Religion is spiritual slavery and inflicting it on children is a form of child abuse. If in fact, the claims asserted by any of the many religious sects in the world are indeed, THE ONE TRUE WAY, a child unfettered by his/her parents own religious biases will easily find their way to “THE TRUTH.”
Great post. A brave one too. Truth be told, I avoid religion in my blog. It’s such a personal matter and I’ve found it to be a divisive subject in parts of my family.
Because I don’t believe as I was raised to – it offends certain family members. And I become offended when the talk of religion to my children goes from sharing to cramming.
Sore subject – but it’s made me be very open with my kids about different faiths and the need to respect people for theirs. I don’t speak in terms of true and false – just what I believe, what that person believes and the importance to have the freedom to decide.
Fortunately, in my extended circle of family and friends, we have Atheists, Muslims, Pagans, Christians, Unitarians and others I don’t remember. It’s a great group for my boys to be surrounded by. If they have questions, they can comfortably ask.
Morals, on the other hand, are a very different topic for me. I don’t equate them with religion. It’s my experience, you can have high morals with or without religion.
Again, great post.
Genevieve´s last blog post..What’s a mother to do? The great vaccine debate
I’m so glad to have found your blog. Brilliant post! Thank you for sharing your wisdom so articulately.
One of my earliest memories is asking my mother if god/gods really existed – at the time I was having an awful time trying to ratify the confused babble I was constantly surrounded by (religious class at school, SDA/JW/etc friends, atheist father and his family, nigh on fundamentalist mothers family).
At the time I was rather annoyed that she refused to give me a straight answer – four year olds are in many ways still in the earliest and most autocratically controlled phases of development and really often appreciate simplicity – but after her own experiences of indoctrination and eventual rebellion, she was obviously determined not to take that path with me, either for or against.
Instead we sat down and discussed what people believe – all people. Not just her or her family but a basic grounding in theology instead of a particular religion.
I kept hassling for her opinion and in the end she capitulated with a “you don’t have to agree” disclaimer (I hate to think how much she suffered at the hands of her parents religion, it was pretty obvious in later life). She didn’t know how to name her belief system but I would now characterise it as mildly-agnostic innate spiritualism.
I accepted her beliefs and realised they didn’t really match with where my beliefs were headed, but that that was ok.
Cross-fade to “religious education” (note: religion=christian, education=repeat after me) at school where I try and approach the self-same issue with the teacher assuming they would be as certain in their belief as my mother was and just as open to a heartfelt expression of some doubts and questions.
Several minutes later I was completely literally thrown out of the classroom while the alleged teacher screamed abuse at me for “daring to question”.
The contrast between my mother and the institutionalised indoctrination could not have been more stark.
I try not to judge anyone for their beliefs – we are all entitled to them (everyone gets ice cream). However I have seen so many example of religious intolerance that I find it hard to find the redeeming features any more. Don’t get me wrong, I am arguing implementation rather than concept.
In conclusion I would like to mention the number of friends who have questioned their own beliefs and suffered at the hands of their family, friends or community because of it. More than I can count.
The worst was the JW boy with the preacher father – not only was he shunned by his family and the church community when he started critically questioning the church, they went so far as to move to a different country without telling him (he found out several years later through a brother), refused to see his daughter when she was born, was beaten by former friends, etc.
I have four kids of my own now and my eldest is at school, going to “religious education” and starting to ask me why people should be in pain forever for not believing the right thing.
So we sat down and discussed what people believe – all people.
Beren.
Hey great blog, Thanks
My wife and I are about to have our first child,I was raised Mormon and she was raised evangelical so this is something we’ve talked about alot. Your blog articulated stuff we’ve both felt very clearly, it will make it easier to explain to others why we are doing what we are doing. Thanks Again
What a great post!
I wrote a related post recently about why we have rejected the concept of sin in our house. Essentially, I want my children’s decisions to be guided by reason, openness, and love, not a dictated closed set of values. I also want them to understand that making a poor decision does not make you a bad person and that people are different and that’s okay. I also really want them to start out in life believing people are essentially good (rather than believing we are all sinners), because I think this type of optimism is key to changing society and succeeding in life.
More here: http://phdinparenting.com/2008/11/10/no-sinners-in-my-house/
phdinparenting´s last blog post..What are your nap challenges?
Religion was made by man. We would hope that all religions were made by intelligent people who thought a lot before they wrote it, put it together, but that may not be the case entirely. I’ve been involved with many different religions and am, in fact, a minister. But my belief is that there are many different paths to one’s own truth. Some may find it in the bible and some may find it on a quiet night in the forest. To teach our children to have an open mind and to question is where we are enabling them to find their own truth.
I am getting much more agnostic, the older I get. The last stumbling-block to total atheism is the idea that whatever-the-hell consciousness may be, it is the one form of energy that DOESN’T get conserved, somehow, so I still have some sort of religion, but I do reserve the right to make it up as I go along.
“Faith” is not good. “Doubt” is not bad. Don’t believe anything you can’t prove to yourself, at least ‘close enough” – dump it. Just because someone else said it, means absolutely zip.
Any set of myths (in the sense of “stories that teach you how to live as a human”) can work. YOU are the ultimate authority, not anyone else.
Thor didn’t have a big hammer? who cares? No Jewish Zombies? BFD.. Horses don’t fly? That means you can eat bacon….
Find what works for you and when it comes to teaching your kids, or anyone else, give them books and STFU.
You sound like the kind of religious person that every religious person should be more like.
Speaking of the threat of hell:
My high school English class once had a discussion about the moral capacity of atheists. The consensus, which really blew me away, was that atheists have no reason to live moral lives because there isn’t any punishment for bad behavior. I thought – really? – if I treat a friend poorly, is it God who punishes me? Or am I punished by losing the friend? If I murder someone, does God send me to prison? If the only reason a person avoids a life of crime is because they fear punishment by God, just how moral is that person? I, as an atheist, don’t need a heavenly father to teach me right from wrong.
On another note:
Growing up in a small town, I feared the day anyone found out that I was an atheist. In fact, I never heard the word “atheist” until I was 14. I literally believed that I would be banished from society if anyone discovered my secret. I don’t want my kids growing up with that kind of fear in their hearts.