I\'m Summer, a mouthy, sarcastic bitch. I\'m passionate about natural birth, long term breastfeeding, and living naturally. I curse too much, love tattoos, and will some day be crushed to death by my book collection. I homeschool, dream of gardening, and swing to the left. 
Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
After I had Evan I had some serious depression. Lying awake at night, crying my eyes out, barely able to function depression. Oh sure, I could smile and act happy and say everything was peachy. But when I was alone again, it took every ounce of strength I had to get up and be a mother.
After I had Trey there were nights I sat on the edge of the bed and thought about killing myself. One day I went to the hardware store and bought a thing of rope under the pretense of making an indoor tent thing for Evan to play in. Instead I tied the end of it into a noose. All I needed was one moment, one minute alone without the boys and without any one around. In a way what was killing me, the constant pressure of being the full time parent, was what kept me alive. I wouldn’t do it and leave the boys home alone or risk Evan finding me.
But after this birth, nothing. Sure I got a little weepy and hormonal, but it was barely noticeable compared to what I was expecting. Every time a sappy commercial came on or a sad song played and I felt a little weepy I would get that nauseous knot at the bottom of my stomach. Every nerve would tighten as I waited for the drop.
But it never did. Not yet. I cry a little, then feel better, and go back about my day. At night I go to sleep rather than lie awake sobbing. During the day I’m fine. I haven’t had a single thought of hurting myself, it honestly just never crosses my mind. Until something makes me worry that it will. As soon as I become aware that I’m feeling a bit blue the fear that I’m going to get much worse comes back. I sit, waiting, going through my mental checklist until I’m sure that I’m really OK.
Why are you crying?
How do you feel?
Are you OK?
Do you want to hurt yourself?
It’s a very different feeling. I get a little sad watching Evan reading a story to Trey and Saff, knowing that my babies are growing up so fast. And maybe I cry a little. Then I’m fine and I get back to just living. But before, it wasn’t something that could be brushed off. It was a desperate and unstoppable pain, an absolute certainty that my every breath was fucking up everyone’s lives, and a pathological need to just make the world disappear.
Why is this one different? I don’t have that answer. Maybe it was the birth experience, that this was my first real unassisted birth after two assisted ones. Maybe it’s that I’m older and more able to talk myself back before I get too deep. Maybe it’s just a roll of the dice and I got lucky. I wish I knew the magic ingredient so I could sell it. I’m not saying this one has been completely better. There were some moments during pregnancy when I had to talk myself down off of the ledge, but that’s another story for another day. Right here, right now, I’m fine. I’m OK. I’m doing great.
And that makes me nervous as hell.
A whole lot of things I think. Our bodies are funny creatures aren’t they? After having Lil’ Girl I was a wreck. My hormones or just my fears?
Susan\´s last blog post..Family Reunion….
My baby blues history was nothing after Eric, a little weepy after Amber, and a pretty big mess after Peter. I had heard that it gets worse with each subsequent baby so I was pretty scared of what I would be like after November. At 20 months postpartum I feel safe saying the other shoe never dropped. I think it could be anyone or all of the things you mentioned or something else. You’re aware of your self & you’ll know if something is amiss, but I think you’re going to be fine.
wow honey.. i am glad your so very aware of what your going through.. when I gave birth to Kya I was a mess… for months.
After Kena nothing.. nothing at all. It is amazing how hormones affect us. Things we have no control over.
hugs
mojavi at simple things\´s last blog post..My Girls… my life… my way…
Thanks so much for sharing. I was scared, too, after my pregnancy since I’ve suffered a couple of bad major depressive episodes in my life and that automatically makes you more prone to post-partum depression. Luckily for me, it skipped me. But it might not with the next one. Who knows?
PPD is no joke, but it’s also completely unpredictable, as you’re discovering first hand.
Keep that check list of yours handy. Also, this might sound utterly cheesy, and I know you didn’t ask for advice or anything, but consider keeping a short list of things to be grateful for/that make you happy to look at in a dark moment (or even semi-dark/worry-full moment).
(hug)
Jessica – This is Worthwhile\´s last blog post..Separation anxiety: The mama’s, of course, not the kid’s
I remember being so worried about you after having Trey that I tried to convince K that we needed to find a way to “ship” you and the boys out to Phoenix so she and you could live together and help eachother out. No joke. I’m so glad to hear your doing better this time.
Summer Reply:
July 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am
Aww, Sara! (((HUGS)))